scratch that

So I had some blood work done today to track my levels and the nurse called and said they are too low and that I am going to miscarry. This is has been the worst day of my life. It hasn't happened yet, and it is so hard to think about my baby being in there, dying, and there is nothing I can do. I am so glad we didn't tell the kids. This would be so hard for them, and yet I kind of feel like they should know that their little brother or sister is going to be in heaven. I guess maybe we will tell them when they are older. Anyhow, I am ready for this day to be over and not looking forward to the coming days of when I will actually miscarry. It's like I have to go through it twice, today, knowing it is coming, and then when it actually happens. I am so sad today. Yet as I sat on the couch blankly staring at the wall while Jer held me, all I could think of was these song lyrics " When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name...You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, blessed be your name". I never thought I would feel like that through something like this. I thought for sure I would be so angry at God, but I actually don't. I am afraid to try again, I am afraid to go through this again. Not sure what we are going to do yet.

finally

Well after 10 months and lots of tests and pain and heart ache, we are pregnant! I am so excited! And feeling ashamed at how angry I got at God. I know deep down that He is faithful, it is just so hard to remember during struggles. So praise God for His faithfulness and even for his timing, even when we don't like it.

We are due in late November. It is so hard to believe in the beginning that you are actually pregnant. I don't get morning sickness (again praise God!) and so until you see an ultrasound or feel it moving, it doesn't seem real. I am anxious to feel this little one move, it is the most amazing feeling in the world! And also anxious to see if there are more than 1 in there:) With the fertility treatments our chance of conceiving twins increases pretty significantly. I think it would be "fun" to have twins:) Anyhow praising God for our miracle and praying our miracle stays with us and grows and is healthy!