Moving, moving, moving

It's seems like we are always moving!! This time it was just across town though. Although it turned out to be our most annoying and frustrating move ever! Not one thing went right from start to finish. Even now in the new house things just keep going wrong. We have had crazy amounts of ants!! So, I bought that new Raid Bug Barrier stuff and it does not work!! The ants walked up to it, checked it out, laughed and walked right over it!! Don't waste your money on that! 
So now we are trying to decide if we are going to deal with the ants, the leaky kitchen ceiling, the half working dryer and who knows what else, or try to get out of our lease. I'll let you know what we decide!

unending grace

I got on here with a totally different thought in mind to write about. But then I read over my last post, looking at my dreary raining background, and realized I needed to update. Just 2 days after I last posted I had the opportunity to go to a concert at my brother's church, by myself. So I spent over an hour in the car alone, and I just cried out to God the whole way! I asked what He wanted from me, why he wouldn't give us another baby, if i was supposed to move on, how could He let me not be pregnant this month, and just what was I supposed to do now. The concert was good and I had a nice time. Then out in the parking lot afterwards I cried to my wonderful sister-in-law and just felt so broken. I cried the whole hour plus home. And then the next day came the peace. I don't have any answers to any  of the questions I asked God. But He gave me peace. I cried on the day that we would have probably had the c-section for our baby, and that was it. He has given me peace through this storm that I never thought I could make it out of. Just days and weeks before there was no calm in sight, no land, no dove. But then it came. How amazing is our God! Even though I still don't know what I am supposed to do, the pain of my loss has now become manageable. I never thought I would be able to enjoy Thanksgiving ever again, let alone this year. But I had a great day. I thought about our baby and wished that he or she was there, but did not dwell on it. Praise God for His mercy and His grace!!!

life's not fair

Man, they sure mean it when they say life isn't fair don't they?  I really thought I was pregnant this month, but no, again I am not. I just can't keep dealing with this heartache every month. This month especially. I really thought that God would not let me get to this  month with an empty womb. How am I going to face this month?! I should only be 2 weeks or so away from holding my precious baby and instead I am heartbroken by the loss every day and every month it gets worse and worse. How do you forget, how do you ever move on when all you want is another child? The thing that so many people are afraid of getting, murder in the womb, or leave it for dead once it is born. Why does God give babies to those people and not to me? It's destroying me and I don't know how to not let it.

Facebook outbreak

I was finally feeling safe to read my homepage on Facebook. Just about all the folks I knew were pregnant had given birth and so I didn't have to hear them complain about it all the time (sorry, but it's hard to hear people complain about the thing you want most in the world). But no. There has been an outpouring of newly pregnant women on my Facebook. Seriously like 7 this week. But the that has me writing this post said that it was the day her baby should have been born (she had a miscarriage a month or two before I did) but she was just so thankful that her womb was not empty that day. That left me wondering, come Thanksgiving day when our baby was due and my womb is still empty, how terrible am I going to feel. I was watching a movie the other day and a lady had a baby and the first time they showed her in the hospital I burst into tears. Not the kind that you can hide but full blown loud crying.  I am dreading Thanksgiving this year. And no one but me will even think about it. Maybe Jer. But no matter which side of the family we are with that day, none of them will have any idea of the suffering I am dealing with.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything that day, but I will have to. How am I going to hide the tears? How am I going to just sit there and smile all day? I am not looking forward to it at all.

out with the old

I decided that it is time to get rid of the baby clothes I have saved for years hoping that we would have another little one to put in them. They are taking up a ton of space in our storage unit and we could really use the extra money right now. So tonight I started going through them to pick out ones I want to keep and to throw out those that are stained. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it was going to be, but still it was hard. To look at all of those tiny things and feel fairly confident we will not have another little one to put in them breaks my heart.  Maybe someday we will adopt. We'd both like that, but we just don't have the space or the money to do it now. I have just been feeling really silly keeping all of those bins and bins of clothes and other baby equipment "just in case". So since I cannot get a job, this is how I can contribute. Still, it hurts to part with them.

scratch that

So I had some blood work done today to track my levels and the nurse called and said they are too low and that I am going to miscarry. This is has been the worst day of my life. It hasn't happened yet, and it is so hard to think about my baby being in there, dying, and there is nothing I can do. I am so glad we didn't tell the kids. This would be so hard for them, and yet I kind of feel like they should know that their little brother or sister is going to be in heaven. I guess maybe we will tell them when they are older. Anyhow, I am ready for this day to be over and not looking forward to the coming days of when I will actually miscarry. It's like I have to go through it twice, today, knowing it is coming, and then when it actually happens. I am so sad today. Yet as I sat on the couch blankly staring at the wall while Jer held me, all I could think of was these song lyrics " When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name...You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, blessed be your name". I never thought I would feel like that through something like this. I thought for sure I would be so angry at God, but I actually don't. I am afraid to try again, I am afraid to go through this again. Not sure what we are going to do yet.

finally

Well after 10 months and lots of tests and pain and heart ache, we are pregnant! I am so excited! And feeling ashamed at how angry I got at God. I know deep down that He is faithful, it is just so hard to remember during struggles. So praise God for His faithfulness and even for his timing, even when we don't like it.

We are due in late November. It is so hard to believe in the beginning that you are actually pregnant. I don't get morning sickness (again praise God!) and so until you see an ultrasound or feel it moving, it doesn't seem real. I am anxious to feel this little one move, it is the most amazing feeling in the world! And also anxious to see if there are more than 1 in there:) With the fertility treatments our chance of conceiving twins increases pretty significantly. I think it would be "fun" to have twins:) Anyhow praising God for our miracle and praying our miracle stays with us and grows and is healthy!