Boy has it been awhile! I haven't had much worth posting as of late I guess. I wanted to use this blog as an outlet to vent and to complain and to try to work through my thoughts and I have discovered that I have a hard time even typing it. I hate to sound like I am complaining. I hate to feel like I am pitying myself. But to be honest that happens all the time in my head and I have to get it out somehow! I do not like complaining to friends. I had a few friends over the years who would only complain to me and that sucked. I wanted to be their friend all the time, but they only needed me when they needed to vent or whine. And I never wanted to be that friend. The hard part for me is that I have to remember that if I have a true friend (which I have very few) that they don't mind sharing the bad with me because they share the good too. And I don't mind sharing in their goods and bads.

In recent years I have really struggled with friendships. (boy this is not where I was expecting this post to go at all!!!) I have been really hurt by some close friendships. I used to be confidant and really made friends pretty easily. But after being burned and just turned away from from some "good" friends, I started to wonder if it is my fault. So because I have had a few close friends leave me I always worry that I did something and that I continue to do things to make people leave me and not want to be a part of my life. While I know in my head that this is not true and that there were just some sucky people, my heart is always nervous. So when I am having a bad day or am struggling with something I often feel like I have no one to turn to. I even have a hard time confiding in my husband. He is not an overly emotional guy and has a hard time relating to how I am feeling (at least that is what I think. He just never quite seems to understand me).

So we have been trying to get pregnant for like 6 months now and it is really hard to be patient. I know this doesn't sound like long (and it really isn't) but the first two were conceived in one attempt (and we weren't actually even attempting) so 6 months seems like an eternity. And my one friend that I talk to most struggled with infertility. I have a really hard time confiding in her because she struggled for over a year and had to have invitro fertilization for her first. And I already have two so i shouldn't complain. She in no way makes me feel like she thinks this, I just feel stupid for being upset when she had such a harder time. And my husband is not really struggling at all, he believes that it will happen when it is supposed to. Ok so I "know" it will happen when God wants it to, that doesn't mean I can't be sad every month when I am not pregnant. My brother and his wife are pregnant with their second and I am so happy for them. They just found out today that it is a girl and they sent ultrasound pictures. They were beautiful, she is beautiful and I just so long for that to happen for us again. There was one picture that was just the foot and it made me tear up. It is just so amazing. Pregnancy is amazing.

So, sorry if you are reading my pity session here, but I needed to vent and let's face it, you can stop reading anytime you want:).