since I last wrote. I have been really struggling with a lot of things since I have last written. Mostly pregnancy related, but also personally and spiritually. In December we thought that I was finally pregnant. I was late, I had some symptoms, but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. This was extremely difficult for me. I went to several doctors, none of whom seemed concerned that I was not having a period. I was very concerned. This had never happened to me (outside of being pregnant). So we finally decided to see a fertility specialist. We saw a very nice doctor and he started the process of tests to figure out why we were having trouble conceiving. So I had bloodwork, ultrasounds, dye injected into my uterus under an x-ray, saline injected into my uterus under an unltrasound, more blood work and more ultrasounds. It seems like everything is ok, I just am maybe not ovulating. (my period did eventually come about 20 days late). So the doctor has decided to start me on Clomid which is a fertility medication that is supposed to make me ovulate. So this past week for 5 days I had to take these pills and deal with headaches, hot flashes, and mood swings, and now I have to wake up in the middle of the night and pee so that I can wake up around 6 am and take an ovulation test (it can't be the first morning pee, that's why i have to get up to pee earlier) and then when i get a positive on that i have to drive to the hospital in Pittsburgh and be there before 8:30 am to confirm that i did indeed ovulate or am about to I guess. I thought trying to make a baby was supposed to be fun!:)
All these things make me wonder why God gives me this strong desire to have another baby and then doesn't give it to me. Am I not supposed to have another? If that is the case, why won't God just take away that desire?
We have also been struggling with Jer's job. He doesn't get payed very much. We have to have foodstamps to survive. If we didn't have those we couldn't pay our bills. We tried to get moved to a different church that could pay us more, but they have no where for us to go. Jer has been trying to get a different job through the CCO, and seemed to have a really good lead, but now we aren't sure what is going on with that. We have been struggling for a long time, and I know in my head that God will provide for us and that is plan is greater and timing is better and blah blah blah. I just have a really hard time trusting Him right now when it seems he doesn't care. And once again, in my head, I know that just isn't true. But sometimes it is so hard to believe and to trust. We are just trying to do and be what he wants us to do and be, yet nothing seems to go our way. We could just really use some good news soon. We have really been beaten down, so beaten it is hard to get up again.
I know I should end this with some sort of 'God is good" or "God will provide" or something from Job or something. But I'm not going to. Cause I just don't feel it right now.
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