out with the old

I decided that it is time to get rid of the baby clothes I have saved for years hoping that we would have another little one to put in them. They are taking up a ton of space in our storage unit and we could really use the extra money right now. So tonight I started going through them to pick out ones I want to keep and to throw out those that are stained. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it was going to be, but still it was hard. To look at all of those tiny things and feel fairly confident we will not have another little one to put in them breaks my heart.  Maybe someday we will adopt. We'd both like that, but we just don't have the space or the money to do it now. I have just been feeling really silly keeping all of those bins and bins of clothes and other baby equipment "just in case". So since I cannot get a job, this is how I can contribute. Still, it hurts to part with them.

scratch that

So I had some blood work done today to track my levels and the nurse called and said they are too low and that I am going to miscarry. This is has been the worst day of my life. It hasn't happened yet, and it is so hard to think about my baby being in there, dying, and there is nothing I can do. I am so glad we didn't tell the kids. This would be so hard for them, and yet I kind of feel like they should know that their little brother or sister is going to be in heaven. I guess maybe we will tell them when they are older. Anyhow, I am ready for this day to be over and not looking forward to the coming days of when I will actually miscarry. It's like I have to go through it twice, today, knowing it is coming, and then when it actually happens. I am so sad today. Yet as I sat on the couch blankly staring at the wall while Jer held me, all I could think of was these song lyrics " When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name...You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, blessed be your name". I never thought I would feel like that through something like this. I thought for sure I would be so angry at God, but I actually don't. I am afraid to try again, I am afraid to go through this again. Not sure what we are going to do yet.

finally

Well after 10 months and lots of tests and pain and heart ache, we are pregnant! I am so excited! And feeling ashamed at how angry I got at God. I know deep down that He is faithful, it is just so hard to remember during struggles. So praise God for His faithfulness and even for his timing, even when we don't like it.

We are due in late November. It is so hard to believe in the beginning that you are actually pregnant. I don't get morning sickness (again praise God!) and so until you see an ultrasound or feel it moving, it doesn't seem real. I am anxious to feel this little one move, it is the most amazing feeling in the world! And also anxious to see if there are more than 1 in there:) With the fertility treatments our chance of conceiving twins increases pretty significantly. I think it would be "fun" to have twins:) Anyhow praising God for our miracle and praying our miracle stays with us and grows and is healthy!

it's been awhile...

since I last wrote. I have been really struggling with a lot of things since I have last written. Mostly pregnancy related, but also personally and spiritually. In December we thought that I was finally pregnant. I was late, I had some symptoms, but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. This was extremely difficult for me. I went to several doctors, none of whom seemed concerned that I was not having a period. I was very concerned. This had never happened to me (outside of being pregnant). So we finally decided to see a fertility specialist. We saw a very nice doctor and he started the process of tests to figure out why we were having trouble conceiving. So I had bloodwork, ultrasounds, dye injected into my uterus under an x-ray, saline injected into my uterus under an unltrasound, more blood work and more ultrasounds. It seems like everything is ok, I just am maybe not ovulating. (my period did eventually come about 20 days late). So the doctor has decided to start me on Clomid which is a fertility medication that is supposed to make me ovulate. So this past week for 5 days I had to take these pills and deal with headaches, hot flashes, and mood swings, and now I have to wake up in the middle of the night and pee so that I can wake up around 6 am and take an ovulation test (it can't be the first morning pee, that's why i have to get up to pee earlier) and then when i get a positive on that i have to drive to the hospital in Pittsburgh and be there before 8:30 am to confirm that i did indeed ovulate or am about to I guess. I thought trying to make a baby was supposed to be fun!:)

All these things make me wonder why God gives me this strong desire to have another baby and then doesn't give it to me. Am I not supposed to have another? If that is the case, why won't God just take away that desire?

We have also been struggling with Jer's job. He doesn't get payed very much. We have to have foodstamps to survive. If we didn't have those we couldn't pay our bills. We tried to get moved to a different church that could pay us more, but they have no where for us to go. Jer has been trying to get a different job through the CCO, and seemed to have a really good lead, but now we aren't sure what is going on with that. We have been struggling for a long time, and I know in my head that God will provide for us and that is plan is greater and timing is better and blah blah blah. I just have a really hard time trusting Him right now when it seems he doesn't care. And once again, in my head, I know that just isn't true. But sometimes it is so hard to believe and to trust. We are just trying to do and be what he wants us to do and be, yet nothing seems to go our way. We could just really use some good news soon. We have really been beaten down, so beaten it is hard to get up again.

I know I should end this with some sort of 'God is good" or "God will provide" or something from Job or something. But I'm not going to. Cause I just don't feel it right now.

Boy has it been awhile! I haven't had much worth posting as of late I guess. I wanted to use this blog as an outlet to vent and to complain and to try to work through my thoughts and I have discovered that I have a hard time even typing it. I hate to sound like I am complaining. I hate to feel like I am pitying myself. But to be honest that happens all the time in my head and I have to get it out somehow! I do not like complaining to friends. I had a few friends over the years who would only complain to me and that sucked. I wanted to be their friend all the time, but they only needed me when they needed to vent or whine. And I never wanted to be that friend. The hard part for me is that I have to remember that if I have a true friend (which I have very few) that they don't mind sharing the bad with me because they share the good too. And I don't mind sharing in their goods and bads.

In recent years I have really struggled with friendships. (boy this is not where I was expecting this post to go at all!!!) I have been really hurt by some close friendships. I used to be confidant and really made friends pretty easily. But after being burned and just turned away from from some "good" friends, I started to wonder if it is my fault. So because I have had a few close friends leave me I always worry that I did something and that I continue to do things to make people leave me and not want to be a part of my life. While I know in my head that this is not true and that there were just some sucky people, my heart is always nervous. So when I am having a bad day or am struggling with something I often feel like I have no one to turn to. I even have a hard time confiding in my husband. He is not an overly emotional guy and has a hard time relating to how I am feeling (at least that is what I think. He just never quite seems to understand me).

So we have been trying to get pregnant for like 6 months now and it is really hard to be patient. I know this doesn't sound like long (and it really isn't) but the first two were conceived in one attempt (and we weren't actually even attempting) so 6 months seems like an eternity. And my one friend that I talk to most struggled with infertility. I have a really hard time confiding in her because she struggled for over a year and had to have invitro fertilization for her first. And I already have two so i shouldn't complain. She in no way makes me feel like she thinks this, I just feel stupid for being upset when she had such a harder time. And my husband is not really struggling at all, he believes that it will happen when it is supposed to. Ok so I "know" it will happen when God wants it to, that doesn't mean I can't be sad every month when I am not pregnant. My brother and his wife are pregnant with their second and I am so happy for them. They just found out today that it is a girl and they sent ultrasound pictures. They were beautiful, she is beautiful and I just so long for that to happen for us again. There was one picture that was just the foot and it made me tear up. It is just so amazing. Pregnancy is amazing.

So, sorry if you are reading my pity session here, but I needed to vent and let's face it, you can stop reading anytime you want:).

another boy name

I also like the name Quinn for a boy. So far Quinn and Jude.

It's Potty Time!

So Moira is a very girly girl. She is 2 and she likes shoes and purses and clothes and she likes her toenails painted. Now since I am a stay at home mom, I often feel like Colm gets a little jipped having to deal with girl stuff all the time. So when Moira realized that she likes to have her toenails painted, Colm wanted his too. I do not believe in the modern way of parenting that lets boys and girls do whatever they want, call me non-PC, please. So I told Colm no, boys don't paint their toe nails. And after a few days of trying to figure out something he can do and Moira absolutely cannot do ( I don't want to inhibit her in things that are ok for her to do too) I came up with, boys get to stand up to pee. Girls cannot do that. So he was quite excited at that. That leads us to tonight. Moira wanted her toenails repainted and Colm wanted to watch, or do it, or have it done, anything to be apart of it. So we all went up to the bathroom where the polish is and Moira sat on the lid of the potty and I painted her toes and then Colm helped me blow on the to dry them. Then he said he wanted his done and I told him no, so he says, then I want to pee standing up. I said ok, actually in my head I said HALLELUJAH PRAISE GOD ABOVE!!!!!! So he stood there looking excited and said it's coming! and sure enough he peed in the potty!!! What a proud moment for him and for me and daddy as well.
I never wanted to be one of those moms that pushes the kid into potty training because I don't think it works this way. But, Colm is 3 1/2 and is going to be starting preschool in Septemeber, IF he can go on the potty. So I am very happy that it seems (trying not to get my hopes up) that it might be taking this time! I am so very proud of my little man!! What a great day to be a mommy!