Boy has it been awhile! I haven't had much worth posting as of late I guess. I wanted to use this blog as an outlet to vent and to complain and to try to work through my thoughts and I have discovered that I have a hard time even typing it. I hate to sound like I am complaining. I hate to feel like I am pitying myself. But to be honest that happens all the time in my head and I have to get it out somehow! I do not like complaining to friends. I had a few friends over the years who would only complain to me and that sucked. I wanted to be their friend all the time, but they only needed me when they needed to vent or whine. And I never wanted to be that friend. The hard part for me is that I have to remember that if I have a true friend (which I have very few) that they don't mind sharing the bad with me because they share the good too. And I don't mind sharing in their goods and bads.

In recent years I have really struggled with friendships. (boy this is not where I was expecting this post to go at all!!!) I have been really hurt by some close friendships. I used to be confidant and really made friends pretty easily. But after being burned and just turned away from from some "good" friends, I started to wonder if it is my fault. So because I have had a few close friends leave me I always worry that I did something and that I continue to do things to make people leave me and not want to be a part of my life. While I know in my head that this is not true and that there were just some sucky people, my heart is always nervous. So when I am having a bad day or am struggling with something I often feel like I have no one to turn to. I even have a hard time confiding in my husband. He is not an overly emotional guy and has a hard time relating to how I am feeling (at least that is what I think. He just never quite seems to understand me).

So we have been trying to get pregnant for like 6 months now and it is really hard to be patient. I know this doesn't sound like long (and it really isn't) but the first two were conceived in one attempt (and we weren't actually even attempting) so 6 months seems like an eternity. And my one friend that I talk to most struggled with infertility. I have a really hard time confiding in her because she struggled for over a year and had to have invitro fertilization for her first. And I already have two so i shouldn't complain. She in no way makes me feel like she thinks this, I just feel stupid for being upset when she had such a harder time. And my husband is not really struggling at all, he believes that it will happen when it is supposed to. Ok so I "know" it will happen when God wants it to, that doesn't mean I can't be sad every month when I am not pregnant. My brother and his wife are pregnant with their second and I am so happy for them. They just found out today that it is a girl and they sent ultrasound pictures. They were beautiful, she is beautiful and I just so long for that to happen for us again. There was one picture that was just the foot and it made me tear up. It is just so amazing. Pregnancy is amazing.

So, sorry if you are reading my pity session here, but I needed to vent and let's face it, you can stop reading anytime you want:).

another boy name

I also like the name Quinn for a boy. So far Quinn and Jude.

It's Potty Time!

So Moira is a very girly girl. She is 2 and she likes shoes and purses and clothes and she likes her toenails painted. Now since I am a stay at home mom, I often feel like Colm gets a little jipped having to deal with girl stuff all the time. So when Moira realized that she likes to have her toenails painted, Colm wanted his too. I do not believe in the modern way of parenting that lets boys and girls do whatever they want, call me non-PC, please. So I told Colm no, boys don't paint their toe nails. And after a few days of trying to figure out something he can do and Moira absolutely cannot do ( I don't want to inhibit her in things that are ok for her to do too) I came up with, boys get to stand up to pee. Girls cannot do that. So he was quite excited at that. That leads us to tonight. Moira wanted her toenails repainted and Colm wanted to watch, or do it, or have it done, anything to be apart of it. So we all went up to the bathroom where the polish is and Moira sat on the lid of the potty and I painted her toes and then Colm helped me blow on the to dry them. Then he said he wanted his done and I told him no, so he says, then I want to pee standing up. I said ok, actually in my head I said HALLELUJAH PRAISE GOD ABOVE!!!!!! So he stood there looking excited and said it's coming! and sure enough he peed in the potty!!! What a proud moment for him and for me and daddy as well.
I never wanted to be one of those moms that pushes the kid into potty training because I don't think it works this way. But, Colm is 3 1/2 and is going to be starting preschool in Septemeber, IF he can go on the potty. So I am very happy that it seems (trying not to get my hopes up) that it might be taking this time! I am so very proud of my little man!! What a great day to be a mommy!

Big girl

Moira slept in her big girl bed for her whole nap and is currently sleeping in it for the night too! I am so proud of her! I am just proud of my kids altogether. They are caring and loving, with eachother and with others. Everyday they surprise me with the things they say and do. They encourage eachother and always want to help. They are amazing kids and I am so blessed to be their mother.

YAY for me! I figured how to post pictures on my blog now! So here are a couple of my recent favorites of the kiddos. Enjoy! (oh i meant on the side of the blog, not within the blog)

Stella, I like Stella for a girl too.

the middle of the story

So lately I have been wondering why things never seem to go the way I hope, or think they should. It seems as if we are stuck in a literal pile of crap. One thing after another, nothing huge mind you, goes wrong. So today I needed a break because I was grumpy and just need to escape for awhile, so I went to the movies. And as I was driving home I started to think about how I wished my life were a romantic comedy. Where boy says nice things, girl falls in love with boy, boy usually does something stupid (I could live without this part), and then redeems himself with some huge tear inducing speech and they live happily ever after. Then I realized I sort of am. When I think of the romantic comedy I think of the perfect situation at the end of the movie when everyone is happy and everything works out ok. That's when I realized I am in the middle of the story. This is the part of the story where sometimes the hero says stupid things, and where the heroine cries because things are not going the way she thought. And I realized that just because things seem sucky and sometime hopeless, the story isn't over.

Baby names

So, my friend Jessi is pregnant and has a blog where she posts all the baby names she is thinking about. I am going to slightly steal her idea (thanks!). While we are not preggo yet, I am always looking for good names and I don't want to forget any! So from time to time I think I will write them on here so that I will know where to look!

Right now for a girl I like a few: Zoe, Norah, Charlotte, Elliot, and I like Sophie, (but Jer doesn't!)
For a boy: Jude (that's all I can think of right now!)

Baby Fever

So I totally have baby fever right now. A lot of my friends are trying to get pregnant or already are, I mean nearly ALL of my friends. We were planning on trying in Septemeber, but this past week I totally thought I was pregnant and I wasn't. I am afraid it won't be so easy for us this time. The first two we never even had to try for! So we are not going to be "trying", but not inhibiting either. It is so disappointing when you spend a week or two really believing that you are pregnant only to find out you never were. I always think of Rachel of friends (seriously) when Phoebe reads the pregnancy test and tricks her and says it's negative and Rachel says "how can I be this sad about something I never had". I know it will pass in a few days, but today I still mourn for what I thought was there.

New to this

I imagine that at this point this blog is just for me. I don 't have any idea who else would like to read about my ramblings :). Well this is mostly a test post to see what it looks like and such.