life's not fair

Man, they sure mean it when they say life isn't fair don't they?  I really thought I was pregnant this month, but no, again I am not. I just can't keep dealing with this heartache every month. This month especially. I really thought that God would not let me get to this  month with an empty womb. How am I going to face this month?! I should only be 2 weeks or so away from holding my precious baby and instead I am heartbroken by the loss every day and every month it gets worse and worse. How do you forget, how do you ever move on when all you want is another child? The thing that so many people are afraid of getting, murder in the womb, or leave it for dead once it is born. Why does God give babies to those people and not to me? It's destroying me and I don't know how to not let it.

Facebook outbreak

I was finally feeling safe to read my homepage on Facebook. Just about all the folks I knew were pregnant had given birth and so I didn't have to hear them complain about it all the time (sorry, but it's hard to hear people complain about the thing you want most in the world). But no. There has been an outpouring of newly pregnant women on my Facebook. Seriously like 7 this week. But the that has me writing this post said that it was the day her baby should have been born (she had a miscarriage a month or two before I did) but she was just so thankful that her womb was not empty that day. That left me wondering, come Thanksgiving day when our baby was due and my womb is still empty, how terrible am I going to feel. I was watching a movie the other day and a lady had a baby and the first time they showed her in the hospital I burst into tears. Not the kind that you can hide but full blown loud crying.  I am dreading Thanksgiving this year. And no one but me will even think about it. Maybe Jer. But no matter which side of the family we are with that day, none of them will have any idea of the suffering I am dealing with.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything that day, but I will have to. How am I going to hide the tears? How am I going to just sit there and smile all day? I am not looking forward to it at all.

out with the old

I decided that it is time to get rid of the baby clothes I have saved for years hoping that we would have another little one to put in them. They are taking up a ton of space in our storage unit and we could really use the extra money right now. So tonight I started going through them to pick out ones I want to keep and to throw out those that are stained. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it was going to be, but still it was hard. To look at all of those tiny things and feel fairly confident we will not have another little one to put in them breaks my heart.  Maybe someday we will adopt. We'd both like that, but we just don't have the space or the money to do it now. I have just been feeling really silly keeping all of those bins and bins of clothes and other baby equipment "just in case". So since I cannot get a job, this is how I can contribute. Still, it hurts to part with them.

scratch that

So I had some blood work done today to track my levels and the nurse called and said they are too low and that I am going to miscarry. This is has been the worst day of my life. It hasn't happened yet, and it is so hard to think about my baby being in there, dying, and there is nothing I can do. I am so glad we didn't tell the kids. This would be so hard for them, and yet I kind of feel like they should know that their little brother or sister is going to be in heaven. I guess maybe we will tell them when they are older. Anyhow, I am ready for this day to be over and not looking forward to the coming days of when I will actually miscarry. It's like I have to go through it twice, today, knowing it is coming, and then when it actually happens. I am so sad today. Yet as I sat on the couch blankly staring at the wall while Jer held me, all I could think of was these song lyrics " When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name...You give and take away, my heart will chose to say, blessed be your name". I never thought I would feel like that through something like this. I thought for sure I would be so angry at God, but I actually don't. I am afraid to try again, I am afraid to go through this again. Not sure what we are going to do yet.

finally

Well after 10 months and lots of tests and pain and heart ache, we are pregnant! I am so excited! And feeling ashamed at how angry I got at God. I know deep down that He is faithful, it is just so hard to remember during struggles. So praise God for His faithfulness and even for his timing, even when we don't like it.

We are due in late November. It is so hard to believe in the beginning that you are actually pregnant. I don't get morning sickness (again praise God!) and so until you see an ultrasound or feel it moving, it doesn't seem real. I am anxious to feel this little one move, it is the most amazing feeling in the world! And also anxious to see if there are more than 1 in there:) With the fertility treatments our chance of conceiving twins increases pretty significantly. I think it would be "fun" to have twins:) Anyhow praising God for our miracle and praying our miracle stays with us and grows and is healthy!

it's been awhile...

since I last wrote. I have been really struggling with a lot of things since I have last written. Mostly pregnancy related, but also personally and spiritually. In December we thought that I was finally pregnant. I was late, I had some symptoms, but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. This was extremely difficult for me. I went to several doctors, none of whom seemed concerned that I was not having a period. I was very concerned. This had never happened to me (outside of being pregnant). So we finally decided to see a fertility specialist. We saw a very nice doctor and he started the process of tests to figure out why we were having trouble conceiving. So I had bloodwork, ultrasounds, dye injected into my uterus under an x-ray, saline injected into my uterus under an unltrasound, more blood work and more ultrasounds. It seems like everything is ok, I just am maybe not ovulating. (my period did eventually come about 20 days late). So the doctor has decided to start me on Clomid which is a fertility medication that is supposed to make me ovulate. So this past week for 5 days I had to take these pills and deal with headaches, hot flashes, and mood swings, and now I have to wake up in the middle of the night and pee so that I can wake up around 6 am and take an ovulation test (it can't be the first morning pee, that's why i have to get up to pee earlier) and then when i get a positive on that i have to drive to the hospital in Pittsburgh and be there before 8:30 am to confirm that i did indeed ovulate or am about to I guess. I thought trying to make a baby was supposed to be fun!:)

All these things make me wonder why God gives me this strong desire to have another baby and then doesn't give it to me. Am I not supposed to have another? If that is the case, why won't God just take away that desire?

We have also been struggling with Jer's job. He doesn't get payed very much. We have to have foodstamps to survive. If we didn't have those we couldn't pay our bills. We tried to get moved to a different church that could pay us more, but they have no where for us to go. Jer has been trying to get a different job through the CCO, and seemed to have a really good lead, but now we aren't sure what is going on with that. We have been struggling for a long time, and I know in my head that God will provide for us and that is plan is greater and timing is better and blah blah blah. I just have a really hard time trusting Him right now when it seems he doesn't care. And once again, in my head, I know that just isn't true. But sometimes it is so hard to believe and to trust. We are just trying to do and be what he wants us to do and be, yet nothing seems to go our way. We could just really use some good news soon. We have really been beaten down, so beaten it is hard to get up again.

I know I should end this with some sort of 'God is good" or "God will provide" or something from Job or something. But I'm not going to. Cause I just don't feel it right now.